I’ve recently come to the conclusion that something fishy may be going on with regard to my birth certificate.
I ordered a certified birth certificate from the North Dakota Secretary of State — Al Jaeger, a Republican — and was quite dismayed to discover his office sent me a Certification of Birth with the following peculiar wording:
This is to certify that there is on record in the division of vital records, North Dakota Department of Health, Bismarck, ND, the following entry of birth.
The description is then followed by the details of my birth, my parents’ information etc…
What’s the deal with that wording? Am I to understand they did not send me the original, longform birth certificate? What is the state of North Dakota trying to hide from me? Since I intend to run for President some day, I thought I would try to get to the bottom of it.
I called the Secretary of State’s Office to get some answers. The woman who answered the phone sounded nice enough, at first. “I was born in Ireland, right?” I asked. “Excuse me, sir?” the woman said, surprised. “Well, you sent me a Certification of Birth, not my birth certificate! So you must be hiding the fact that I was actually born in the country of my ancestors, Ireland. Right? Admit it!” I shouted. “Sir, you haven’t even told me your name,” she said.
I reigned-in my white-hot fury for a moment and told the woman my name. I heard her tapping away on a keyboard. “Yes sir, Mr. Deale, we have your birth certificate on file, and we’ve sent you a certification stating as much.”
“Why haven’t you sent me the original?” I demanded. “How am I supposed to be President if I don’t have the original birth certificate to send to America’s foremost document examiner, Sherriff Joe Arpaio in Arizona?” I asked.
“Is this a joke?” she said.
“No, it’s not a joke,” I shouted. “I need my original birth certificate!”
“Sir, if we sent you the original birth certificate,” she said in a measured tone, “The state of North Dakota would no longer have it on file. We are required by law to keep your birth certificate on file in our state records. The certified copy you’ve received is legal and binding, and good enough to secure a US Passport or any other legal documentation you might require.”
“Are you saying you won’t send me my original birth certificate?”
“No Sir,” she said.
“Then you are complicit in a conspiracy!” I yelled, and slammed the ‘end’ button on my phone.
I thumbed through the contacts list on my phone and called my mom. “Mom, what is going on with my birth certificate? Was I born in Ireland?”
“What on Earth?” she exclaimed.
I told her the trouble I was having with the Secretary of State in North Dakota. “Have you been keeping the truth from me all these years?” I asked.
“Oh, Square,” she said. “I don’t mean to crush your dreams… but you’re never going to be President.”
“It’s because I was born in Ireland, ISN’T IT??” I was nearly frantic with excitement. I was about to learn the truth.
“No, no, Square,” she chuckled. “It’s because you’re a dumbass.”