Fighting Crazy With Crazy

After watching North Dakota’s legislature in action I am dearly sympathetic towards those officials who are not completely insane. It has become painfully obvious, the time for rational discourse is over. You can only fight crazy with even more crazy. In that spirit, let me offer a recommendation to solve the biggest challenge facing the United States today.

It is no secret, North Dakota has become an unofficial colony of Texas and Oklahoma. Where oil tycoons come to bribe the governor with the intent of exploiting and eventually sending all profits back to the motherland. Meanwhile prices, taxes, fees continue to sky rocket in the colony from things like covering the cost of broken bodies and unpaid emergency room bills.

Of course it wouldn’t be a true colony atmosphere without “objective journalists” harassing those locals who are feeling a little disenfranchised with the idea of being, you know, subjects. Again no secrets, we all know which bloggers, reporters, radio personalities are on the payroll of big oil. Please just save some ink and internet bandwidth and simply issue this public statement: “Lord Hamm does not approve.”

Finally, if there is any remaining doubt we are living in modern day Salem, MA. Cue the local zealots: Bette Grande and Margaret Sitte to calm all of our fears regarding the escalating witch epidemic. Thank God we have these elected officials to cast out demons and bring back some of that old time religion.

Just goes to show it really doesn’t matter if it is the 17th Century or 2013, when a valuable resource is to be exploited, the playbook never changes.

With all of this absurdity being monopolized it just doesn’t seem fair, especially when we’ve got this national debt to fix. So my big solution: cut North Dakota in half and sell the western portion to China in exchange for wiping out our national debt. Yes, China would get the Bakken, no need to ship caustic tar of out Canada. National Republicans would get their boogeyman back in threatening global annihilation for access to Middle East oil reserves. Best of all, local teabaggers would get a taste of true Communism.

Seems logical right? No? OK, well can we agree to stop electing those with untreated mental illness to Bismarck and replace them with individuals who are actually interested in solving problems and making our state a better place to live? Yes, I am talking to you Watford City, Williston, Dickinson, Minot, Bismarck: Please stop sending your town hermit to craft legislation affecting all of us!